An eventful week

I'm on day 6 of my 21 days of Marvelon. So far I've been having slight nausea and feeling more tired that usual. Both of them are common side effects. Also feeling random dull aches in my head, but none of the symptoms are too strong or horrible yet! I've kept up with eating well and walking regularly, so overall I think I'm doing pretty good.

This week should be interesting. Three important things are going on:

1) On Wednesday afternoon, I'll be meeting with HR and my principal and our union president to discuss my job for next year. Really hoping something good comes from this. The uncertainty about next year's position has been weighing heavily on me the last while, and I'd like to put it behind me.

2) On Thursday, I'll be having a sonohysterogram (also called a saline infusion sonogram) at my fertility clinic, PCRM. They'll be using a speculum and inserting a catheter to put saline into my uterus. Then they'll put in an ultrasound probe to see how everything looks inside. Finding nothing interesting inside there would be great news.

3) After the procedure on Thursday, I have an IVF medication appointment with a PCRM nurse. She'll explain the injectable meds I'll be needing when I move onto stimulating my ovaries. I'll learn what to take and how to take it and how to mix my own meds. Kinda thrilling because these hormone injections will help create and plump up the egg that will be the start of our baby!

That's all for now. Except that it's Geek Pride Day which is kinda sorta amusing. 

CIAW 2015

Today marks the first day of Candian Infertility Awareness Week. And I have good news - the witch has arrived! Yesterday I began a new cycle, with the previous one ending on cd50!!

This morning the clinic charged us a $500 IVF deposit, so we're OFFICIALLY doing IVF now! My sister told me on the phone today that she could hear the excitement in my voice. I'm not even trying to be cautious about my feelings, in case... I'm just plain super duper excited! Tomorrow I'll begin taking Marvelon. I don't know if it's because we just watched the new Avengers movie the other day, but taking pills called Marvelon kinda makes me feel like a super hero. Basically, it's birth control pills that I'll be taking for three weeks. That way my ovaries can have a nice slumber before I make them run a marathon.

The sunny weather and a nice walk around the neighbourhood and my yummy homemade brekkie smoothie (banana + mango + cabbage + spinach + carrot + milk) gave me a great start to the day. Today I'm working through some Pre-Calculus Math 12 for my self-directed Pro-D, and I'm actually finding it quite fun. It's like I can feel my brain growing! (I can almost hear some of you muttering the words "yuck" and "nerd")  hehe :P

Thanks for reading. Time to get back to Permutation and Combinations. I'll leave you with my first picture on this blog. I really should add pics more often!

Provera and more

So now I'm on cd48! *groan* A week ago, I emailed my doctor wondering if I should keep waiting or if something needed to be done. He had me start a prescription of Provera to help kick start my next cycle. Two good things about Provera are that it's cheap ($2-something was my cost) and that the pills are tiny (easy to swallow). One crappy thing about Provera is that I'm getting side effects that are similar to PMS - cramping, lower back pain, and acne. I've used up 7 of my 10 pills, and still no sign of the witch (my term for my period, or "Aunt Flow" or AF). Let's hope the last 3 do the the job!

Despite waiting so long for the witch to arrive so I can get a move on with IVF, I'm actually pretty darn happy today. It's Friday! I had a nice day at work. I went for a walk in the sunshine. And it's a long weekend! We'll be celebrating my nephew's 14th birthday this weekend too.. family time is always nice. 

You may have noticed my silence on Mother's Day. The reason is, I don't have a lot to say this year. In the past, Mother's Day has been difficult. It's hard to hold back tears when you're absolutely bombarded (particularly on social media) with how much of a blessing it is to be a mom, and you've been struggling for years and haven't been able to experience that joy and don't know if you ever will. This year, though, I didn't feel any sadness. I enjoyed celebrating my mom and sister's special day. I suppose I'm so filled with hope right now that it's drowned out the sorrow of not already being a mom. I also read several articles dedicated to women who are mothers without kids - those mothers who have angel babies in heaven, those who are mothers who just haven't been able to have a child yet (this is kinda how I view myself), those who mother other people's children as their own. It was nice to know that people remembered, thought of us, prayed for us, and acknowledged us through their writing. The yummy barbecue and coconut cream pie and chocolate cake helped make the day a little sweeter, too! :)

Please cross your fingers for me that there's a witch sighting soon! 

Good things

My last two posts showcased the rough time I was having with work issues (which still aren't solved), but now that I'm feeling a bit more balanced, I'll go back to writing about IVF treatment.

I'm almost ready to get going with my IVF protocol. I'm on cycle day 39 (CD39), and my cycle is usually closer to 35 days. I'm later than usual (no, not pregnant!) by a few days... but that could just be from stress. So any day now, my next cycle will begin. Why is that so fantastic? Because on CD3 I get to begin the oral contraceptive pill (OCP) Marvelon as my first part of IVF treatment. I'll be taking it for 21 days to give my ovaries a rest before I send them into overdrive in the following cycle. Hopefully that will also allow enough time for my cyst in my ovary to completely disappear. They'll check for the cyst after my three weeks of Marvelon. I was happy to learn from my doctor that even if it's still there, they will still go ahead with treatment as long as my estrogen isn't too high. *fingers crossed* 

So while nothing has happened quite yet... being so close is super exciting! I'm having a hard time waiting, but I keep telling myself things like "Patience is a virtue" and "Good things come to those who wait". And by good things, I'm sure you can guess that I'm thinking of babies! Meanwhile, I'm trying to stay healthy to help my chances of success. The beautiful sunshiney weather and the late work shift meant that I was able to make myself a healthy smoothie for brekkie and to go for a walk around the neighbourhood. Gotta try n stay positive and make the best of each day. My time WILL come!

Waves

My last post was full of anxiety. Sadly, things got a lot worse before they got better. I got more and more anxious throughout the night, and eventually I ended up in a panic, nauseated and feeling so hot that I felt like I was fainting. I dumped cold water on myself, and that seemed to make me feel more alive. I was still exhausted, shaky, and a complete mess. A trip to the ER around 3:00 am took care of it.

I paced in the parking lot of the hospital for almost an hour. I was shaking badly from the cold, but I couldn't handle the temperature indoors - it made me feel like I wouldn't be able to stay conscious. When it was my turn, I was given an Ativan, and that knocked me out. Got home at 6:00 am and went straight to bed, and slept til almost 2:00 pm. I woke up feeling a hundred times better. And I thought that was the end of it. But I'm still not back to normal.

Since Friday, my anxiety is coming and going. Sometimes it's mild. Sometimes I fear that I'm going to get physically sick again. Distracting myself works. Talking about it helps, too. When I have to explain my work situation to someone, it sounds like it's not so bad. Like I'll make it through just fine. But when I'm sitting quietly and not interacting with anyone, I start thinking. Way too much. And it brings on waves of anxiety and makes me feel shaky inside. I don't know how long this will last, but I need to move past this as soon as possible. Thinking about the anxiety gives me more anxiety because I'm scared of what happened to me the other night.

I just want this work stuff over with so I can focus my mind, my body, my entire being on IVF. The good news is that I get two more weeks at my own school. That means two less weeks of working on call. I 'm not certain whether I'm more nervous about being away from my own school and getting a permanent job elsewhere or about working on call for less than two months. I'm looking forward to the time when these waves of anxiety won't wash over me in between the times when I'm distracted. I miss feeling mentally healthy and well-adjusted. Hopefully soon.

I need to remember that this isn't just something that's happening to me. Sure, the events are happening to me. But what my mind is doing... I can and need to control it. I can't let me fears run my life. I have to be strong. And if there's one change my infertility has caused, it's definitely made me stronger than I thought that I could ever be. Looking forward to waves of relief and happiness soon.